


Again

by Shay_Nioum



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Logan Sanders Angst, Logan angst, M/M, Multi, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-06 21:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16840786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shay_Nioum/pseuds/Shay_Nioum
Summary: Logan has come a realization, it by every definition wasn’t an easy one to come to, but in his eyes he needed to understand it. So he has, and it has led him to darkness that he is all too willing to embrace.





	1. Chapter 1

It hurt him to watch them, to see and just hear their laughter from the next room over. As much as he could and would lie to himself, sometimes it hurt even more not o be included in whatever they were clearly so happy to be celebrating. Just the sound of Roman’s warm boisterous laughter that brought about the sensation of a part, as it created a deep chasm of regret within Logan, the kind of sensation that never really went away. The smell of Patton’s cookies that had just come out of the oven and were cooling on the counter, treats for an occasion that he wasn’t invited to. 

And then there was Virgil.

Honestly, the one who Logan had thought would understand him and his feelings the most. His quiet but obvious presence was one that had often time soothed him, it got exhausting being the only introvert of the group, constantly surrounded by people who could constantly talk and word conversations better. No matter how he watched, and no matter how he ached to be with them, no matter what. It never changed. 

Just looking at them, seeing how complete and happy they seemed without him made that sharp regret tinged with bitterness turn to guilt. 

The dark hole in his chest grew and grew the longer that he watched them.

_ They’re so happy, without you there to be a killjoy.  _ Deep in the darkness of midnight, he couldn’t help the harsh burning truth that he had kept hidden from himself. The hateful, spite-filled words bubbled up, as his own self-loathing grew and grew with each passing second.  _ You just made them unhappy, with your facts and your logic. They can do that without you, what use are you? Anyone of them knows how to pick up a textbook and read, hell Thomas listens more to then than he ever did with you. They can teach him, and what was it that Virgil said again? Thomas’ least favorite.  _

He was right, even someone like Patton had known it to be true. 

Try as the moral side may to be nice and happy, Logan couldn’t argue with facts. He was necessary and he most certainly wasn’t wanted. That much had become clear over time, he was...fodder, to be tossed to the side so that the more important sides could take care of things. For a while he had thought that he fit that mold as well, but...now he wasn’t so certain about that. 

“Where do I fit in?” Buried under his covers and with his chin tucked against his chest, the question came with a load of burdens. “Do I fit? Is my piece even necessary with the other?” The more questions that came, the more that was left unanswered. 

And...the more tears that burned the back of Logan’s eyes.

With every question that was left unanswered, it was practically a confirmation in his eyes. No, he wasn’t wanted, no, he wasn’t necessary, and no...he didn’t fit with them anymore. Facts and statistics said it all, despite the chasm in Logan’s chest etching itself deeper and deeper, begging him for it not to be true. 

Warmth burned the corners of Logan’s eyes as he tugged his blanket up around his chin. “If I don’t fit here…” He pondered for a moment, his voice straining on every word that left his mouth. “Then where?” 

That was the question, wasn’t it? Where to go when the only place you’ve ever know has proven to be an ill-fit, or...should he go at all? Should he stay and suffer in silence, risk yet another outburst that would take him even further from the others? A stiff shake of his head jerked Logan out of the quiet lull of his room, the noisemaker in the corner right next to his closet had been working to drown out the sound of the laughter from downstairs.

_ No... _

Shaking his head against the soft feathery pillow that he had laid motionless against for several hours, Logan swiftly sat up tossing the blankets that had settled over him like an early morning fog and even as his feet thudded heavily against the floor the noise from downstairs did not fade. Something which only made him even more firm in his decision, this would be for the best. So slipping on his starry slippers on and gathering up his matching bathrobe Logan moved swiftly but silently. As determined as he was about this, he couldn’t let the others know just what was going on inside of his head. They’d try to change his mind, out of pity more than any kind of true friendship or remorse. 

Besides, it wasn’t like this was their problem. It was him, and he knew just the way to fix it, this was the next logical step for him to take. They wouldn’t understand, at least not yet. 

But he did, he had always understood, even if he hadn’t wanted to see it. 

The steps downward were cold, once he had found the door it had been all too easy to begin his descent, he’d often times heard Virgil talking about to Patton with a hushed voice, as if it wasn’t allowed to be talked about too loudly. As if merely mentioning the place from which the dark sides hailed would instantly summon them, then again, Virgil wasn’t exactly wrong either. The further and further he went down into the darkness, the colder and colder it got. Until the point at which he could see his breath hanging there as a frozen mist before him, it was at that point he could see the hallway stretched out before him with a countless number of rooms before him as well. 

One had angry spatters of paint varying in color splattered all over it, while another was completely blank with not a single word or color smudging the pristine white door. There were others, so many others. They completely outnumbered Patton and the others, and despite how uncomfortable that should have made him feel, and despite how he should have turned around and left. Gone straight to the others to tell them, Logan couldn’t help the pure sigh of relief that swept through him as he took a step forward making his way to the room that was filled to the brim with books of so many kinds. 

His hands flew to the shelves, plucking book after book off after only managing to skim over the title. The title hardly mattered, after all, it was the contents inside the books that mattered. 

It was that, which would help him. 

More and more, it was all too easy to ignore the aching in his chest now that he had something to focus on, he could ignore the dried tears tracks that littered his cheeks now that the smell of paper and ink filled his senses. He felt at peace here, even if this was really the last place he should be feeling anything like that. 

“Well well, looks as if somebody isn’t having a crisis.” The soft purr of words sent a shiver raking down Logan’s spine, as he rigidly stood there for a moment, gripping the bundle of books in his arms. “What couldn’t have Logic of all people in such distress?” It was only upon feeling that soft quilted feeling of the other’s glove brushing against the nape of his neck, did Logan spin around attempting to face the slimy snake face to face before he met his untimely end there. 

Or in the very least he sure did attempt to spin around. Before one foot caught on the ones standing just behind him, and in a spectacular lack of balance, sent him pitching for the bookshelf and then the ground. Not only was it going to hurt, but it was going hurt a fuck ton, on top of the fact that he was going to bleed and then be made a fool of right in front of Deceit. Fantastic, completely and utterly fantastic. Logan honestly couldn’t think of a single way that his night could be going any better right now. 

What a joke. 

The front of his shirt seized, just mere seconds before the logical side could even register the sensation of warmth wrapping around his middle. Hold him mid-fall, before the back of his skull could even make contact with the solid looking self behind him. A stricken moment of silence passed between the both of them. As Deceit, with his heterochromic eyes stared in all their wide-eyed glory down at the logical side who he’d just barely managed to save from getting a concussion. Then Logan, who was looking right back at him, the books falling numbly from his hands and onto the floor. 

_ His hands are surprisingly warm for someone that I would have figured to be cold-blooded.  _

Out of everything that could have happened at that moment, and out of any single thought that could have come from his mind, this was one of the ones that Logan didn’t mind too much. Especially as Deceit’s mouth opened and closed robotically, before his eyes darted down to the books that had fallen from Logan’s grasp. It was seriously the first time that Logan had ever seen the dishonest side this flustered, if this could even be considered flustered. It took only a moment for Logan to regain his footing, and it took even less for Deceit to release his grasp on Logan, letting him stand on his own two legs. And even so, there was a long moment where the dishonest side absolutely refused to look Logan in the eyes.

It was adorable, or it would have been had Logan been in the mood to feel anything even remotely positive at the moment. 

“So,” Straightening his cape that sly conniving smirk was back on the dark side’s face as he scuffed his nails against caplet, somehow ignoring the fact that he was most certainly wearing gloves. “What aren’t you doing down here? Everyone doesn’t know that light sides don’t come down here at all, let alone to read, as it happens to be with you.”Casting a mistrusting eye to the fallen books, there was another beat of silence between them as Logan fidgeted beneath Deceit almost forcibly cold stare as he stooped down to the hastily scoop up the pile of books. 

The words, the answers really lodged themselves into Logan’s throat as he avoided Deceit’s stare for a moment longer. It wouldn’t take too long before the dishonest side’s patience would wane, and he really didn’t want to find out what would come from that. 

“I…” The books slid neatly back into place, going back exactly from where he had plucked them from the shelves. He’d have to come back another time to get them, and to learn what they had to teach him. “It’s fairly obvious that this is where most of Thomas’ and our forbidden knowledge lies.” He began, scuffing his shoe against the polished wooden floor. “Knowledge that cannot be found among the light sides, knowledge that under no circumstances must be sought out, and knowledge that..that-” 

Logan cut himself off as he raked his hand over his face, combing his fingers through his hair he met the curious almost troubled gaze of Deceit. The dishonest side wasn’t certain to what he saw in the logical side’s gaze, but whatever it was, it made him very anxious. To the point where his fingers itched, where he wanted to seize Logan and drag him far far away from this cauldron of knowledge. Whatever the feeling was, it was nothing in compared to what came next. 

Logan’s gaze was dark, like that of a stormy night that carried an ominous wind with it. “I wanted to find a way to leave everything behind,” He explained, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. It wasn’t a smile that Deceit trusted, “I am the cause in much of the others’ problems, my role of Logic is no longer needed and so..so I leave. Then..then…” The smile spread wider, and even so, the slightest glint of tears, made Deceit’s chest angrily throb in pain. “Then all will be well.” 


	2. Chapter 2

The numbing sensation of dread and horror that swept over Deceit just about made him stumble back as he looked down at the tragic and downright heart-crushing smile that stretched itself over Logan’s face. His heart thumped wildly in his chest, and his lungs ached as if he had been trapped underwater for a minute too long. As if his lungs were screaming for air, even if he was completely surrounded by it. The denial was the worst part of it all, as his heart dropped into his stomach like someone had tied a weight to it and thrown it into the ocean never to be seen again. 

_ Please no…  _ He begged himself, wanting nothing more than to seize Logan by the shoulders and tell him that this was the last thing that he wanted.  _ Not again. Not another one..I can’t.  _ Begging rarely ever did any good, and even now as he looked back at Logan’s glassy eyes, that were glazed with tears. He could see it, he could see his relaxed posture even as he stood there in the heart of the dark mindspace, how easily he had found the books he had been looking for, even though Logan had never once stepped foot into their library. 

Deceit saw it all, and he hated the others now more than ever. 

“You don’t have to do that…” He finally whispered, the dishonest side’s shoulders sagged as if some unseen weight had been placed on them. And in a way, there was a weight on there now, “There’s a different way to get what you want.” 

_Don’t do it._ _Don’t do this._ He internally warned himself scorn etching itself within his memory, his stomach clenching anxiously at the very thought. _You swore to yourself that after the last one you weren’t...._

Logan’s eyes brightened and that smile that had seemed so sad just mere moments ago was full of hope, and the kind of happiness that Deceit honestly wasn’t used to seeing aimed towards himself. And it was just like that Deceit knew within seconds that he’d already lost the internal struggle with himself, just looking into those warm earthy colored eyes he knew that he had lost whatever battle he had waged with himself. He was going to regret this for sure, but...with the logical side looking at him like that, he couldn’t in rightfully tell the other to leave. Just as he hadn’t been able to tell the others to leave. It wasn’t who he was, and he hated that he knew such a thing.

“You’ll help me?” A pure sense of relief swept through Logan as his entire body sagged in relief, whatever it was that Deceit knew it would certainly be valuable for what he wanted, lying or not. “You swear it?” He cautiously added, his eyes narrowing as he stared back up at the face that within seconds had become so closed off to him. He couldn’t read the emotions that had passed over Deceit’s eyes like a hurricane wrecking a small town, but something told him that he didn’t want to know. 

At least not yet.

Nodding his head slowly, Deceit cupped his hand around Logan’s shoulder. Steadily leading him away from the books and into the bleak empty halls of the dark mindspace. “It will,” The dishonest side exhaled heavily as his head hung in resignation, “It will..it will hurt at first. But in the end, it will give you exactly what you want, just be warned…” Deceit sharply spoke, as he abruptly turned Logan, so that he was tightly clasping both of his shoulders. 

Pausing for a moment he let the warmth of the light side in front of him sink into his hands, as it would likely be last time that Logan ever felt so warm. 

Then he’d be cold, cold and grey just like them. 

Giving him a firm shake, Deceit thickly swallowed, his fingers burrowing into Logan’s soft bathrobe. He would not cry, no matter what he would not cry. “Just know,” He began, his voice cracking with the very first word. “That once you do this, you cannot come and go, you won’t ever be able to stay with the others again. Your home..will no longer be with them, it will be..it will be with us.” Another firm shake, that made Logan’s loose curls bounce against his forehead. He wasn’t going to cry. No matter what the logical side chose to do after this. He wouldn’t cry. “Do you understand?”

Staring up at the scaled face that looked so grave and so very serious, the weight of his choice sank in like an anchor sinking into the depths of the ocean. Once he did this, there was no going back, there was no changing his mind and deciding to live with Patton, Roman, and Virgil. All of that would be gone, as if it had never existed in the first place, obsolete. 

Obsolete, by definition meaning no longer used or needed. 

But that was already the case, the others didn’t need him. It was likely that they had never needed him, to begin with, despite how they acted and their silliness, they were all smart and in turn, they could all do his job even if he was no longer around. The weight of that knowledge sank into him, and for a moment it his tongue felt heavy with his answer as if laden with lead. But it was nothing in compared to the heaviness in his heart, the sadness, and anguish that had constantly dragged him down making it impossible for him to so much as pick up a pencil to do his work. 

He was a heaviness, a burden that would no longer hurt the others. 

A squeeze dragged his attention right back to the heterochromic side, and swallowing thickly an almost peaceful smile descended Logan’s face as his hand came to rest on top of Deceit’s. Swallowing thickly, he finally had his answer. “I understand,” He finally whispered, feeling as if anything louder would have shattered this moment between them. “But I’m ready.” 

A solemn nod answered Logan’s words, and just like that Deceit’s hands fell from Logan’s shoulders. Drifting down before one of the gloved hands cupped the logical side’s palm, treasuring those last sparks of warmth Deceit led Logan away from the empty barren hallway. Down, until the both of them reached one of the many blank doors, that looked more like a whiteboard than anything, ready for something new to be drawn or written on it. Logan could feel Deceit’s hands clenching and unclenching, still firmly holding onto his hand, refusing to let him go. At least until one last sigh swept through the dishonest side, then and only then did Logan’s hand fall from his own like the blade to a guillotine. 

His bottom lip trembled, although he stubbornly turned his head away before Logan could catch a single glimpse of it. “Pick a door.” He tensely said, gesturing to the countless doors spread out before them, “Once you walk through one, there will be no going back. And..a word of warning and a heads up, don’t leave the room until the pain has stopped.” Deceit eyes darted over to Logan’s face in a quick gesture as soon as the logical side had raised his own to the closest door to them, resting his hand on the freezing cold doorknob. 

His insides twisted something fierce as soon as the door swung open, how many times has he witnessed such a thing. Said the same exact words and prayed for a different outcome each time, watching the logical side take a step forward he couldn’t help but to hope and pray again. 

For something different. For something better. For...mercy.

A whisper left his lips, just after the blank door slammed shut with a merciless and resounding thud. Logan’s fate sealed with one action. 

“Good luck Logan...or to whoever you will become after this.”


	3. Chapter 3

A happy sigh left Roman’s lips as he snuggled in between the blanket-clad forms of Patton and Virgil, the tv screen lit up with one of his favorite movies as the princess danced away on the screen beautiful music drifting out of the speakers. Glancing over to Virgil and Patton, Roman couldn’t help but for his heart to warm up at the sight of the two of them. He’d never been happier than right now, snuggling with the two of them and a warm steaming cup of hot chocolate resting between his hands warming his joints as he occasionally took a long and slow sip reveling in the smooth chocolate beverage that washed over his tongue.

Everything felt perfect at this moment, absolutely perfect. Squished between the two people that he loved most in the world, and nothing could ruin that. 

Or at least, that was what he had thought before he’d glanced over to the end of the couch, the end that was perfectly suited for fitting one more person. The one person that they hadn’t seen since..since… Since this morning at least, Logan had gone up to his bedroom, and hadn’t even come down to join them for dinner. 

“It’s fine Ro-Ro!” Patton’s warm smile had washed away every worry he’d had for the time being, as he felt the other peck a gentle kiss on the side of his cheek. “Lo’s probably working away like he normally does at this time. He’ll come down later just like usual.” 

And he’d been content with that, he’d watched as Patton had packaged away the last of the leftovers for Logan and slotted them away into the fridge whenever their nerd would come down like a cyrpid in the night to get some. They could always hear him. Bumping and shuffling tiredly down the stairs at three in the morning, sometimes later as he opened the fridge and got the coffee pot going. He wouldn’t be going to sleep, Roman knew that well enough from his own late night creative brainstorming sessions. But Logan would always come down, and even if they didn’t see him, he’d always eat. 

Of course, he would. There was no way that he wouldn’t. 

Leaning his head back, Roman rested his cheek against Patton’s warm shoulder as his tired eyes continued to gaze at the tv for a moment longer. As much as he tried to bury it, the nervousness nestled itself deep inside of him. It remained there, not doing anything, not a single thing aside from reminding him that it was in fact there and it wouldn’t be going away until he went upstairs and checked on Logan himself. And even so, the warmth that had burrowed around him, as Virgil leaned against his arm and as Patton draped his arm over the back of Roman’s shoulders. It was tantalizing, the idea of staying there and not moving a single muscle. The idea of being lazy and not getting up was an alluring one, but...for the time being it was one that he couldn’t listen to. 

Stretching his legs out, Roman grunted as his muscles protested after such a long time of being curled up on the couch. Pulling away from the two most amazing people in his life Roman couldn’t help but to flash a smile at them. “I’m going to go and check up on our resident nerd, see if he needs anything.” 

A sappy smile curled on Patton’s lips as he scooted over just a little bit, removing his arm from Roman’s shoulders in an effort to help him get up. A part of him wanted to pout at the fact that Roman had chosen now to leave their warm embrace, but a bigger part of him was even happier it was for Logan. While none of them had exactly been fighting, Logan hadn’t exactly been too..open since the last video, if anything he’d holed himself up in his room more and talked to them even less. It certainly hurt, if he was being honest, but he’d long since learned that when it came to Logan it was just best to ignore his silence until he was ready to talk himself. 

A hand swiftly swatted at Roman’s middle, and a lovely smirk lit up Virgil’s face as he pushed Roman back down onto the couch and into the warm loving embrace of Patton’s arms. Looking back at the offended pouting face of Roman, Virgil couldn’t help but to snicker a little bit before leaning in and pecking a gentle kiss onto the tip of Roman’s nose. 

“Stay here,” He murmured, his smirk only growing as soon as Roman tilted his face upwards begging for yet another kiss. “I’ll go and get our nerd.” 

Pressing a short and sweet kiss against the creative side’s temple Virgil was gone, as he dropped his empty cup off in the kitchen sink before making his way to the stairs. Taking his time, he eventually got to the dark blue door, that was decorated with a ton of star stickers, all of them forming the constellations in the sky. Or so Logan had told him, of course, there was also the small bright yellow smiley sticker on the left corner of Logan’s door, that Patton had put there. Logan had refused to take it off, although he had never specified why exactly. It made him chuckle just thinking about it, as he stood there for just a moment before raising his hand.

“Logan?” Virgil rapped his knuckles on the door, only for silence to answer him back. “Logan, hey. We were wondering if you ne-” Virgil’s words stopped dead in his mouth withering on his tongue like flowers decaying under a harsh summer sun, stumbling back the anxious side felt his back slam into the wall right in front of Logan’s door. His fingers clenched the fabric of his own shirt, tugging and pulling to the point where he could hear the fabric beginning to rip around his neck. He felt his heart hammering in his chest, like the hammer of an alarm clock trying to wake him up. But there was no waking up from this. “LOGAN!” 

The door before him was withering, the paint peeling and chunks of the wood coming off in huge massive chunks. They didn’t even make a sound when it hit the floor, they didn’t even linger. As the wood dropped from the wall, turning into little tendrils of smoke from the very second that it touched the ground, leaving behind a blank space, a section of an empty wall where Logan’s door was, it was vanishing, it was vanishing all too quickly for Virgil to process. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth, weighing down whatever words could have escaped, he choked on those words as the world became misty before him. 

_ No no..not Logan, whatever is happening..it can’t be happening to him. Not him...please…. _

“PATTON! ROMAN!” Virgil’s hoarse scream ripped itself free from the anxious side’s throat as he stood there for a moment too long, even the sound of thumping footsteps soon following felt like it had lasted a second too long. A moment of hesitation that had clawed at Virgil’s insides the longer that he stared at Logan’s decaying door, with a mixture of agony and horror written all over his face. “I..I don’t know what’s happening..It’s..it just…” And once again the words were lost to the void as soon as his lovers had arrived at the scene, he didn’t understand the looks on their faces. He didn’t understand why Roman wrapped him in his arms, blocking his view of the door and of Patton as soon as the moral side started to weep so hard that his entire body had begun to shake. “What’s happening?! Where’s Logan? Where is he? Where...where...”

“No…” Patton stark broken whisper was barely loud enough to rival Virgil’s sniffles, tears rushed down Patton’s face as he reached his hand out, grasping for the doorknob of Logan’s door. The smoke curled under his fingers as soon as he managed to push the door open, and the sight of the greying deteriorating room told him more than he ever needed to know. 

Sinking to his knees, a loud gut-wrenching sob fell from the moral side’s lips as he covered his eyes, unable to look for more than a second as the room chipped and fell before his very eyes. His body was shaking, and he was crying so much that he doubted he’d ever be able to stop...he didn’t want to stop crying, ever. And so the tears kept coming, dripping between his fingers as the last of Logan, the last of his room fizzled away into nothingness, the only evidence that their dear logical side had ever been among them to begin with. Patton could still feel the sensation of smoke curling between his fingers, as the doorknob had vanished, and he couldn’t help but to cry harder.

_ Not Logan. It had been so long since..since… _

Patton wanted to cry, to scream, and to wail out his grief to whatever entity could hear and answer him. But now all he could do was cry into his hands as Roman held Virgil tight, there was nothing to be done now, both he and Roman knew that.

_ Not again. _


	4. Chapter 4

Deceit couldn’t exactly recall just when the horrid gut-wrenching sound of Logan’s screams had stopped ringing down the hallway, ingraining the very sound into his mind. From the very point that it had started, all he could recall was sitting down, his knees curling up to his chest as he tightly clasped his hands around his ears in an attempt to block out the vile noise that never seemed to come to an end. Logan’s sobs hurt more than anything, much to the surprise of himself. He had seen many..many sides go through exactly what Logan was willingly putting himself through, and in the end, he had hardened himself. It shouldn’t have hurt to hear the logical side sobbing and wailing, it shouldn’t have hurt to hear the other bite down onto something to stop himself from screaming out in his agony. It shouldn’t have made his heart twist and writhe in his chest, like a maggot devouring rotten flesh. 

But it did, and in the end, Deceit could only sit there with his hands clasped around his ears until it all went silent. 

_ Just what would become of Logan? Would he survive? Would he end up like..like the others who had asked for the same fate? Would he… _

Deceit shuddered at the very thought, a thought that he couldn’t even bear to finish before he tucked his head against his knees. His fingernails digging into the side of his head, even as his chest seized for a moment as the logical side’s scream reached an all-time high he didn’t move. Logan could get through this...he had to.

He couldn’t recall the exact moment that he had fallen asleep, with his back pressed against the wall waiting next to the door that Logan had chosen as his own. The only thing that he could remember before exhaustion both mental and physical had tugged at both his bones and eyelids, was that everything was silent, and not necessarily in a good way either. The air felt like it was ringing with the lack of noise that had just been filling up its empty halls, it was the kind of silence that made the hairs on the back of Deceit’s arms stand up in attention. 

But none of that had mattered in the long run, because as soon as he had allowed his eyes remain shut for even more than a second he was down and out. Sleep claiming his worried and addled mind with no more than a second to spare. His worry though, was, in fact, something that stayed with him even as he drifted off into unconsciousness, as his body tilted and turned restlessly before eventually falling still as his forehead rested gingerly against the doorframe. His breathing had become easy, even if his dreams had not. 

_ “Please help me.” Logan’s lips cracked open in a pure grimace as he reached out for Deceit, his hands, his arms, his entire body was caked in blood. Pure agony was reflected in those dark earthy colored eyes, as they looked back at Deceit’s own heterochromatic colored ones. He was shaking, even as Deceit ran to the fallen logical side, cradling his head within the dark side’s lap. Even as he brushed away a thin trickle of blood that dripped down his chin, Logan was shaking. “Deceit..Deceit..Deceit..Dee…”  _

_ Every word that Logan choked out felt like a dagger to the dishonest side’s heart, as those glassy feverish eyes stared back into his own. An acute sense of terror gripped him, just as Logan’s bloodied fingers gripped the hem of his cape. Logan was hurting, he was in pain, and..and he needed help. _

_ And yet… _

_ The only thing that he could do at this moment was run his fingers through Logan’s mess of a hair, smoothing it back as to how it was before. Pushing it out of his eyes and his face Deceit tenderly smiled down at him, feeling the sharp edge of his fangs prick at his bottom lip. Even so, his fingers continued to run through the bloodied matted hair, until it resembled something at least somewhat resembling Logan’s previous style. It was still messy, but marginally better than before.  _

_ “I’ve got you my little snakeling, it is going to be alright.” He murmured, his smile sweet and comforting in the other’s time of need. Even now he couldn’t stop his hands from pushing back each strand, even now he couldn’t stop his fingers from clenching at the roots of the logical side’s hair. Even as he wanted to tug and pull his hand away, even as he felt the panic and fear welling up in his gut. He couldn’t stop, as he jerked and pulled his hand, all while still gripping the other’s hair. He wanted to stop. He wanted to stop. He wanted to stop. “What is it that you need? Who hurt you?”  _

_ Logan face contorted, pain and suffering written into each and every line on his face. His eyes welled with tears as Deceit tried to remove himself out from under the logical side, even if his body would no longer obey. He didn’t want to hurt him, he didn’t want to stay if he was going to end up hurting him more. He- _

_ Logan’s lips cracked open once more, his perfect white teeth stained and speckled with red as he leaned upwards just a little at a time. His hand reached out. Shaking, trembling, and desperate for contact as his palm grazed Deceit’s scaly cheek, his touch was so..so cold and warm at the same time. A strange kind of irony, right here and now, as Logan’s face got closer and closer to his own. Until he could see the lighter shades of brown hidden within Logan’s sad hazy eyes, and feel the warmth of his breath dusting over the dishonest side’s face as he opened his lips to speak.  _

“You.” 

_ Cold. _

Jerking his head up, Deceit felt himself grow completely still as soon as his eyes snapped open. The figure that stood above him blurred for a split second, before he hastily blinked his eyes, looking owlishly up at the very side who’d gentle but equally cold fingers brushed over his scales almost reverently. And if the look on his face was anything to go by, he too was just as confused as Deceit was in this very moment between them. 

“You were crying in your sleep, I thought it best to wake you.” Logan murmured, and even so, even with that being said. Deceit couldn’t help to notice how that even with that being said, the logical side didn’t move his hand from the dishonest side’s face. Not as his thumb brushed away his tears, the tears that had trickled down his cheeks clinging to each of his scales. “I take it that your..nightmare was less than satisfactory?” Logan prompted, as he dried the last of Deceit’s tears just to receive not a single answer as those bi-colored eyes stared back at him in a mixture of pure awe and surprise. 

It was to be expected he supposed, after all, he no longer looked the same as he once did. 

“Who..” Deceit swallowed thickly as soon as his voice cracked, he couldn’t bring himself to blink lest that ruin that illusion that Logan had spun before him now. “Who are you now? What have you become?” His fingers itched to reach upwards, to tangle themselves into Logan’s hair. To see..no to feel that stark black raven feathers that now made up the logical side’s hair, slicked back like that of a raven’s wing. 

He looked professional, but above all else, he looked...cold. 

A senseless, cold, and empty smile took to Logan’s lips. And had Deceit not seen the spark of life in the other’s eyes, and gentleness in which he had brushed away his tears, then Deceit would have very well mistaken Logan for Apathy. It was a smile that he was all too familiar with, when Naivety had turned to Apathy, it had been a sudden and jarring change that had shaken the mindscape to its very core, something that had changed it forever. A change that to this very day Deceit regretted with every inch of his being, but looking at Logan’s cold and almost tired smile, he couldn’t help the spark of fear that boiling alive inside of him as he awaited the other’s answer. 

Logan’s hand fell from Deceit’s face, an action that the dishonest side immediately wanted to rectify as soon as Logan’s cold and tired gaze locked onto him. “I am…” He slowly began, as if he were feeling the words out for the first time. His brows furrowing, just for a second, before he bobbed his head in a slow and steady nod. “Disconnection.” 


	5. Chapter 5

The last thing that Logan remembered was the pain, the searing scorching sensation of his flesh burning and turning to white-hot ashes. The pain in itself was indescribable, as it took him down to his knees almost within mere seconds of stepping into the room. He could faintly hear the door slamming shut behind him, and beyond that, he could hear the sound of someones screams echoing like a haunted dancehall in his own head. The sound of it, the weight of it pressed down on him. His hands clasped tightly around his ears, attempting to muffle the noise that never seemed like it was going to stop. The screaming went on and on, each seconds pressing against his temples like broken glass, as the blazing heat swept through his body. It was only when his throat seized, and his voicebox crack he finally realizes it.

It wasn’t someone else who was screaming, just him.

_Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!_

Even his own inner mantra was just a droplet of water lost in the ocean of noise, as his nails dug into his skin. Prickling and tearing at it until he could feel the warm rush of blood dripping from his nails, and even that did very little to distract him from the sheer agony that swept through him from head to toe. He felt from every strand of his hair, to deep within his bones, rattling his marrow, and savagely tearing into his heart with no end in sight. His cheek heavily thudded against the sandpapery carpet, and the world before him was a blur.

But even so, he could still see the door. He could see it, and if he could get to it. He could get out, he could get out and escape and-

 _“Once you walk through one, there will be no going back.”_ Deceit’s voice echoed in his ears as his nerves fried, the look in the dishonest side’s heterochromic eyes had been telling. The kind of look that said he’d been through this before, that perhaps he was tired of doing this or...perhaps not everyone had listened to his warnings. “ _And..a word of warning and a heads up, don’t leave the room until the pain has stopped.”_ Logan could still feel the cool exhale of Deceit’s breath against his neck, he could still feel his cool hands as he’d made sure that the logical side hadn’t toppled over in the library. He could just imagine the feeling of those cool fingers running through his hair, calming the blazing fire under his skin, or even the look of relief that would sweep over Deceit’s face upon seeing him succeed. He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t give in just yet. He had promised.

Deceit had been right, this wasn’t easy and it hurt, god it hurt so bad, but he could do it.

He had to.

Logan’s voice cracked with yet another scream as he curled up on the floor, his fingers had seized the end of his tie as his knuckles had turned white. His muscles locked into place, and just like that, he refused to move from his spot. Curling up tighter and tighter with each shock of pain that rattled through his bones. Everything ached and everything hurt, there was no denying himself on that, his screams swept through the room with the strength of a coursing river. The very sound of them only serving as to double down on his own torture, he was shaking, trembling, and sobbing into the floor. But be that as it may, he did not make a single move towards the door again, and he wouldn’t, not until it was all over.

Darkness came sooner than expected, descending over his senses like the first wind of winter cutting through the haze of autumn.

And with it, blissful, sweet sweet unconsciousness.

* * *

When they awoke, it was to the feeling of softness tickling their palm.

Blinking sluggishly there was nothing but silence, their ears were ringing with it, as they slowly looked around before glancing towards the floor that had somehow tangled up their feet.

“What?” Their voice sounded soft and low as they spoke for the first time, reaching out they tugged at one of the strands that had gotten wrapped around his feet. Feet that had one shoe on and one shoe off, revealing a soft muted blue sock. Tugging at the strand again, they cocked their head to the side as his dull misty blue eyes followed the string. “Yarn?” They softly inquired eyes narrowing as they brought the soft plush string closer to his eyes. The world before him looked wonky, as if half of it was just slightly fractured, or just broken. It was odd needless to say as they pushed themselves up into a sitting position, taking in the sight of the room they couldn’t help but to feel even more confused.

Confused and what was the word again...oh yes...confused and tired.

There was an endless sea of yarn spread out before them, layered and layered on top of one another. Reds, blues, yellows, purples, pinks, and even black. There were so many of them, they couldn’t even begin to follow one thread without getting lost and finding another. Seizing ahold of the bright and cheery looking yellow they began to follow it, their eyes narrowed as sharply as a cat’s when stalking their prey.

“Follow..follow..follow..follow..follow..foll-” Their legs felt like jello upon standing, and even so, they moved forward, the yellow yarn clutched tightly in their hand. It led him over the soft cloudy blue colored bed, under the blue bed where they let out a rough string of curses upon bumping their head, rummaging next to the dresser. There were so many strings of yarn layered across their floor, there was no way of telling where it began and just where it all ended. “So many..so many..when will it end?” They muttered dourly, their fingers drifting over the soft yellow yarn, but there was also a red strand of yarn. Maybe they could find the end to that one too, or the pink one..or the black one.

 _No!_ They gave their head a sudden jerking shake, that felt more like it was rattling their brains around than anything. _Yellow_! They sternly told themselves, as a frown fixed to their face, they would find yellow first and then..then they didn’t know. Perhaps this is what they were destined to do. Spending eternity rummaging through pieces of yarn that might not even have an end, perhaps they were the shreds of their sanity, or even more amusing the pieces of emotions and thoughts that they had shed like the scales of a snake.

“A snake…” They muttered, their brows furrowing for a moment. The mere thought of scales made something in their brain itch like a colony of ants had taken up residence in their head, more than anything it felt as if they were forgetting something, something..or someone who was rather important. Scales...scales..a snake..a snake.. A snake! “Him!” The words rushed out like water rushing over the edge of a waterfall, looking back to the string in their hand a firm expression crossed their face as they firmly tugged on it once more. Pulling it taunt, they followed it with a renewed sense of just where they were going and why.

In the end, he couldn’t stop his own eyes from following the thread of yellow all the way to the front of the door. The door that had a rather large but plain mirror attached to the very back of it. The yarn ended there, firmly tied with a neat little bow to the very bottom of the mirror. Glancing up as he robotically dropped the yarn in front of his mismatched shoe and sock, he looked back at his own reflection with a stirring of uneasiness rising and falling in his chest. Did he look weird? Would he think that they looked odd? With one of his perfectly circular glasses lens cracked and the other perfectly fine? With the bracelet that was shackled around his wrist like a handcuff, it’s deep and lighter shades of blues, that he couldn’t help but to be reminded by something. He didn’t look at all professional, or serious with that stupid looking blazer he was wearing, coupled with the plain grey t-shirt that laid under it, or even the black jeans.

They looked...He looked…

His lips twisted just faintly, a tiny bit of a sneer touching his lips as he crossed his arms before he settled for sticking them in his pockets. His despondent eyes said it all the longer that he stared at himself, it was like he was staring at himself through a well. So terribly far away, even if he could still somewhat focus on the image before him.

“What’s even the point?” He sourly muttered, taking a step back from the door, all too willing to sink back into his nest of yarn strands that laid out on his bedroom floor, so thick that he doubted he’d ever be able to see the bottom again. “We just need to forget about it, it’s not like..like…” _There’s anyone to care about us, we disconnected from them..left them all behind just like they did with us._

The world blurred before him once again, and even with their stoic expression it certainly didn’t stop them from feeling the cool tears that dripped down their face. They had left the light sides behind, they’d abandoned them, left them to wonder about his lack of existence. He’d disconnected from them entirely...just as they had disconnected from them. Leaving them to stew in their loneliness, but they weren’t alone...not anymore.

_“Just know…” Deceit had uttered to him, his grip strong on Logan’s shoulders at the time. As if letting the logical side go would mean letting go of his final shreds of sanity, and letting him sink to the very bottom. The look in his eyes said it all, as he grasped him tight, the chill of his fingers had seeped into his skin as a light pink dusted over Logan’s nose as his heart palpitated in response to their close proximity. Deceit hardly recognized it as he went on, grasping the logical side just a bit closer. “That once you do this, you cannot come and go, you won’t ever be able to stay with the others again. Your home..will no longer be with them, it will be..it will be with us.”_

Blinking their eyes quickly they nodded their head in a fashion that somehow felt out of time with each movement, “We aren’t alone,” They muttered, as they dragged the sleeve of their blazer under their glasses, swiping angrily away at the tears that had dripped down his chin. Glancing towards the doorknob their gaze narrowed once more at the dull shine of the silver knob, they had someone waiting for them, they had a family now even if they weren’t the kind of family the others would appreciate. They were going to be alright. “We aren’t alone.”

With that being said, they settled their hand onto the cool metal and waiting just a moment they took a breath. Preparing themselves, for whatever lay in store for them now. There was no going back, not after this, Deceit had said so.

There was no more Logan or Logic, just Disconnection.

Conan.


	6. Chapter 6

For the longest time, he couldn’t take his gaze off of Logan’s door, or at least where it had once been standing. The off-colored section of the wall served as a near-permanent reminder as to just what had been there not even a few hours ago, as well as who had been there before everything had gone south. But even so, even with Virgil’s questions circling dazzlingly in his head alongside Roman’s muffled sniffles, Patton couldn’t tear his gaze away as the warm tears flowed down his cheeks like a waterfall with no end in sight. Every breath felt like it could transform into a sob, he could feel the hitching of his own breathing the longer that he kneeled there his hand clenching and unclenching, still feeling the cool metal of the doorknob that was no longer in sight.

“What do we do now?” Virgil whispered, dread and terror eating his insides like buzzards to fresh roadkill, his knuckles were white as alabaster as he clutched the fabric of Roman’s shirt. As if fearing that if he let go for a single second, he’d vanish right along side Logan’s entire room, like dust in the wind. “What are we going to do without Logan? Thomas needs Logan. We..We need Logan.”

There was certainly no denying that, desite how they teased and poked fun at him sometimes, there wasn’t exactly life without Logan. How would they exist without his steady calming presence, or the facts that he’d spout out when they discussed a topic that he was ecstatic about, or..or just him in general? How would they live without him? How would they cope?

_ We can’t.  _ The thought came to Virgil in a rush as he buried his face momentarily into Roman’s shoulder, feeling the creative side grip him that much tighter.  _ We can’t do it without him, we’re going to die..we’re not going to be able to do this.. We-  _ A soft warbling cry broke free of the anxious side’s lips as soon as Roman ran his fingers through his hair, stroking his partner with a gentleness and a shaking hand that told him his lover was thinking exactly the same thing. There was no getting on without Logan, they all knew it. He was important, no..he was more than important to them. He was apart of their family, of their essential structure that they’d taken years to build up. He was apart of the configuration that Virgil had put into his daily life, a key pillar of support.

Without that pillar...it was just going to come crashing down around him, and there wasn’t much else that he could do.

Virgil buried his face even deeper into Roman’s shirt, his tears soaking through the fabric. “Why did he go?” Came his pitiful whimper as those warm fingers continuously ran through his hair, his eyeshadow streaked his cheeks and absolutely ruined Roman’s shirt. But even so, his lover didn’t seem to care, not as he just hugged Virgil as close as he possibly could. “Where did he go?”

Roman buried his face into Virgil soft and slick hair, breathing in the scent of pomegranets and blackberries as deeply as he could. Imprinting the smell into his mind, just in case Virgil left him just as Logan had left them all. He held it in for a second, praying that he didn’t begin weeping all over again, the sound of Patton’s own distressed wails had nearly killed him. “I don’t know.” He finally whispered, eventually bringing himself to wrench himself away from Virgil, in an effort to help Patton back up to his feet. “But right now..I think..I think that we should go to the kitchen. Think things over before we move on and talk about..about…” His bottom lip quivered and his eyes glistened with unshed tears, he couldn’t even say Logan’s name.

What kind of friend was he?

The atmosphere in the kitchen was stifling, full of the quiet kind of emptiness that was only ever broken by the soft sound of coffee cups being set down on the counter. There were three cups that were full, even if four had been set out. A fourth that would never again be drunk from, and a fourth that none of them could bear to look at. The cup practically screamed Logan, with little speckling dots making up the constellations that their logical side had loved so much, along with tiny little definitions of his notecards. The thing that broke Patton’s heart the most about it, was the messy reminder that had been scribbled on it:  _ Patton do not fill this cup with hot chocolate, I require coffee only.  _ It was that cup, and that cup alone that held the last remaining proof of Logan’s handwriting, and while it might not have been much, it was stiff proof enough that he even existed in the first place.

_ It’s more than we ever got from..from the others. _ Patton sourly thought, unable to himself, no longer able to stop himself from sniffling the longer that he looked at it. It was Logan’s cup. It was LOGAN’S cup. They shouldn’t have even touched it in the first place, but none of them could stop themselves from getting it out, setting it on the counter in the usual place where Logan stopped by to pour his own coffee. As if time would rewind and resume itself, as if Logan would come down from upstairs like nothing was wrong and join them again.  _ But he won’t.. _ The tears welled once again in Patton’s eyes.  _ He’s never going to again. _

The other two stared into their cups as if their coffee held the meaning of life, not bothering to take a single sip. Roman’s entire body sagged with a sickening combination of grief and guilt, while Virgil’s entire expression just wept exhaustion and the kind of sadness that would cling to him like a sandbur to his sock for days, let alone weeks. They all looked exhuasted, and he was certain that he didn’t look any better. Not with the remains of salty tear tracks running down his face, his hair a mess, and his clothes to boot. They all looked like they had been run over by a truck and then simultaneously brought back to life.

But not a single word was said.

Not as Roman slipped his hand into Virgil’s, and not Virgil slipped his hand into Patton’s. None of them said a single word to each other, as they all stewed in their own personal grief. It felt wrong to try and talk, to try and speak about Logan so soon after..after everything that had happened just a mere few hours ago. As if doing so would diminish him and everything that he had stood for, as if…It would make them forget.

None of them wanted to forget.

They didn’t want to forget his smile, that dorkish grin that lit up his face when the chance to learn something new came up. Or even when Thomas had actually taken that Astronomy class that Logan had loved so much, he’d been glowing for weeks upon getting into the class, and the facts that he rambled on and on about made him truly look alive. How occasionally he’d wear his rainbow-colored tie just to please them during June, how he’d change up his own look even when he was less than pleased when doing so. They didn’t want to forget that, they didn’t want to forget the slight stutter in his voice when his emotions started to become too much. Or even how his voice rang when he started to shout, and even when he sang for them in those rare times. They wanted to remember him, both the good and bad, and everything that he was worth when he had been with them.

They wanted to-

_ Thump. Thump. Thump! _

Roman’s head snapped up at the loud noise coming from upstairs, “What?” He barely had time to utter that single word before a loud crash resounded through the mindspace. Ringing through every wall and every inch of the floor before they were all on their feet, Roman reaching for his sword, and Patton clinging to his shoulder as Virgil warily stood back watched as they all eased forward. The resounding crash had come from the stairs, and standing at the very base Roman caught a pretty good glimpse of just who was making the ruckus in their side of the mindspace.

Foggy goggled glasses askew on his face, a long pitch black trenchcoat that had gotten twisted around their new arrival’s legs, and a fuzzy deep blue scarf that was likewise twisted around from both sides of the other’s neck. His hair was slicked back, although more than anything it looked like a halfhearted attempt, and for a second, for a split second Roman’s heart jumped in his chest. He looked like him, just like him in fact. Save for the tanned skin peppered with even tanner freckles. From the very moment that their new arrival pushed back his goggles, Roman knew that it wasn’t him. The sea green eyes that blinked curiously back at them said it all, on top of so much more.

“Who are you?” Roman nearly snarled the words out, hurt radiating like a fresh wound across his chest, as the stranger messily picked himself back up just to immediately stumble over yet another step on his way down. Patton squeezed his shoulder, and with a fair amount of reluctance, his sword went away, in favor of helping the man down the steps.

The man’s hands were warm, surprisingly so, as if he had held them in front of a heater for an extended amount of time. He clutched Roman’s shoulders tightly his knuckles going white, as if letting go for a single second would cause him to trip and fall all over again, “I think…” The soft voice that left his lips was drenched in confusion, as the sea green eyes blinked once again looking deeply at each face before moving onto the environment around him. There was no recognition in those eyes, “I am Logic.”


End file.
